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Marjorie being admitted into the Phi Beta Kappa Honorary Society
Becoming an independent woman can require a lot of work, especially if you’re what I call “a daughter of the patriarchy” meaning you look to men as the ultimate authorities in the world. Independent women through the ages have fought against this exclusion of power preventing them to do extraordinary things in the world and to have control over their own lives & bodies. And, although we’ve moved ahead in some areas… I can’t think of any at the moment that aren’t tittering on the edge; however, here we are, still fighting for a seat at the table and we’re not going to stop!
Some domains of male power are more rigid than others, such as the military, the church, politics, medicine, the arts and should we include academia, too? In my case, once I married a career military officer, off we went to live in that particular world with its own rules and protocols. Even though I was from a very conservative Southern background and used to being told how to act and what to do, I winced at the amount of control the military exerted over our lives.
In this excerpt from my memoir A Southern Belle in Paris our family is living in a remote area of New Mexico called White Sands Missile Range, and I’ve returned to university in Las Cruces to get my degree… something that’s not looked upon with enthusiasm or favor by a certain person whom I call “Mrs. Commanding General.”
Today’s Excerpt:
WHY I CAN’T RECOMMEND A LIFE IN THE MILITARY
One day my best friend on post Jackie and I had taken our kids to the pool and were having lunch poolside at the Officer’s club, when the Commanding General’s wife approached our table. Without so much as a “hello” or “how are you”, she cocked her head back and delivered what seemed to be a well-rehearsed speech.
“I hear you’re going to Las Cruces to the University,” she said, crossing her arms in a deliberate gesture to show hands dripping with jewelry and long manicured nails. “I saw your picture in the newspaper for making the Dean’s list. I just want to remind you, my dear that your first duty is to support your husband in having a successful military career. Just remember, that’s your first priority! You’d be wise not to forget that.” She turned precisely on her heels like a soldier in a marching regiment and walked off, leaving Jackie and me stunned and choking on our salads.
“How dare she talk to me like that,” I protested with a lame bravado after I’d recovered enough to speak. “I mean who does she think she is?”
“She’s the Commanding General’s wife, which makes her Mrs. Commanding General, that’s who.”
I knew that Jackie, even though she was my best friend, didn’t understand why I had wanted to go to university.
“Why do you even want a degree?” she’d asked when I first told her I was returning to university. “What are you going to do with it anyway? You’ll be moving all the time making it hard to get a job. Do you want a job?” she asked, as though the thought of an officer’s wife having a job was unfathomable. I explained that finishing college was always a dream of mine and that Saren supported me in making that dream a reality, even if I never worked a job outside the home.
“I wonder if the General’s wife will mention anything to her husband?” I asked Jackie as we rounded up the kids from the pool they never wanted to leave and drove to our homes on “officer’s row.”
*****
“Guess who got called into the General’s office today?” Saren asked that evening after work, throwing his brief case down on the kitchen table with a thud.
“Oh, no! What happened?” I asked, hoping it didn’t have anything to do with Mrs. Commanding General’s advice to me at the pool earlier that day.
“He said he’d seen your picture in the post newspaper and congratulated me on having such a smart wife.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” I said, relieved.
“Not exactly. He went on to say he did have a slight concern, however.”
“What could he possibly be concerned about?” I asked, waiting for the talk on being a good wife as my first and most important priority. There was actually a manual on how to be a good officer’s wife and since we wives had already had a class on its contents, which was mostly about proper protocol in various situations, such as how to pour tea and how to tell the various officer’s ranks, I knew getting an education wasn’t in there.
“He advised me that it wasn’t a good idea for you to be driving to school every day with an enlisted man’s wife. Those kinds of relationships, you know, between officers and enlisted personnel, are not permitted. He suggested you should drive alone from now on.”
“What? Are you kidding me?” I yelled. “He can’t tell me who I can drive with in my own car… Can he?”
“He can and he did. You’ll just have to tell Denise that you can’t drive with her anymore. She’ll understand. She’s been in the military for years and knows the rules about officers not fraternizing with enlisted personnel.”
“But it’s not every day, and besides, it’s almost 130 miles round-trip, and going over the Organ Mountain pass can be tricky at times and it’s helpful to have someone with you. Besides, Denise is a good friend,” I pleaded.
“We’re in the military and those are the rules: no fraternizing with enlisted personnel.”
“But we obey that rule, don’t we? I mean, we don’t invite enlisted people to our dinner parties. Driving in a car with someone isn’t really socializing, is it? How does he even know who I drive with anyway?”
Saren made no comment but went to change his clothes before going out to the garage where he was completely re-building a classic Austin Healey sports car he’d just bought. In his mind, there was nothing else to talk about. The General had spoken, or rather Mrs. Commanding General had spoken. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz, I thought, only not as funny … not really funny at all.
I fumed around most of the next day, digging furiously in my flower garden to let off steam. It’s not fair I have to lose a friend over some stupid rule that makes no sense. Who makes up such stupid rules, anyway? I can’t believe Saren would go along with such stupid unfair rules! Why does the military have all these ridiculous rules?
I did a load of laundry, started pulling things out of the refrigerator for dinner and checked periodically on the kids playing in their rooms. Finally, when I knew I couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer, bracing myself, I reluctantly picked up the phone and dialed Denise’s number. As I waited for her to answer, I rehearsed again what I’d say, all of which evaporated the moment I heard “hello” from the other end of the line.
“I can’t believe what I’m about to say, Denise, but you and I can’t drive together to school anymore,” I blurted out, struggling to hold back tears.
“What?” Denise asked, not comprehending.
“The Commanding General found out that you and I were driving together to school. I’m pretty sure his bossy wife told him. Anyway, he called Saren into his office and suggested… and we both know that Generals don’t suggest… that he tell his wife that it wasn’t appropriate for her to drive to school with an enlisted man’s wife. Can you believe anything so outrageous? The General told Saren it didn’t look good for an officer’s wife and an enlisted man’s wife to be fraternizing with one another, that it set a bad example. I’m so sorry Denise, but Saren says that because of what the General said, we can’t drive to school together anymore.”
My hand was shaking and I could hardly control the fury in my voice.
Denise said she understood. “It’s okay. I’ve been the wife of an Army Sergeant for fifteen years now. I know how these things work, but I honestly didn’t think driving in a car together would be a problem.”
I hung up the phone in tears. I would miss Denise and all our conversations during the long drive to school, conversations where we had tried to make sense of how women’s place in the world was changing and how it was affecting us, conversations that sometimes took a more philosophical bent on how it was that our individual lives were constantly shifting in weird and unexpected ways, and whether or not we trusted a God in heaven to direct them.
“Our lives are metaphors for the shifting white desert sands, don’t you think?” Denise, who was a Christian and taught Sunday school at the Chapel, had once observed.
“I read Alfred Hitchcock said in an interview about the film or maybe it was a TV show he made near the white sand dunes, that he described this area as a seriously scary place and one he wasn’t sorry to leave.”
“I think he may have been right,” Denise had said, gazing out the car window at the desolate desert landscape.
What happens next? Did our Southern Belle have the courage to stay in school or did she drop out like Mrs. Commanding General wanted her to? How far would the pressure to “be like everyone else or be prepared to suffer the consequences” go?
Click HERE to pre-order A Southern Belle in Paris and find out!
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Wild Women Write: Reconnecting with the Wild Feminine
Wild Women Write takes you to the core of your instinctual feminine essence by familiarizing you with tales & stories of women who walked in their power, providing archetypal models to reclaim & reconnect to that sacred place within ourselves that is both wild and powerful. Writing & art exercises help you to dive deep into your own unique self & to express what you find there!
Writes of Passage: Writing Through the Seasons of Your Life
Have you been wanting to write your memoir… tell your life story but don’t know where to start? Writes of Passage is the perfect book to help you get started. For each of the four phases of your life: childhood, young adult, mature adult, & elder, there are writing & art exercises that will give you all the material you’ll need to begin your memoir!
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Aloha! Marjorie